So let’s get some things out of the way right now. I feel like you need a little context into my life. There’s some major things, good and bad, that have shaped me into the man I am. Not just the speaker, preacher, business owner, parent and yes, former husband. But the actual man. Let’s dive in to this beautiful chaos.
I was exposed to my sexual side before I’d even reached kindergarten. Great. That opened up several doors and led to an addiction to pornography that followed me to almost to 40 years of age Thankfully, that’s in the past and under the blood of Jesus but the pain and residue of it still lingers. See, I tried to separate the sin from the shame. I thought I could be free from one without being free from the other. Guilt raged as did my anger. I was so mad that I let all of this happen while simultaneously mad that it wasn’t my fault. I couldn’t figure out how to fix it.
Then one night I realized I couldn’t. I was broken into so many pieces that nothing was salvageable. I felt like I was looking at myself through a broken window in an alternate universe. There I was standing up but so fragmented that the slightest of winds could blow me away like a Thanos snap.
Each piece was a failure that I could remember vividly. Each one told a story of hurt, cover up, lies and betrayal. Not just to her but to my Lord, to myself and to my kids. I had mastered the ability to fail well. I could put on a mask and live it up as if I was Elijah returned from heaven in a new chariot of fire. Sexual addiction had gripped my heart and my mind. I enjoyed and hated it equally. Yet I was ridden with shame and guilt. This wasn’t a “cool” addiction. It wasn’t something that you stand on stages making jokes about how drunk you were or how high you got. (I’ve heard those). No, mine was a sin of perversion. You wouldn’t dare invite a preacher to come tell his story of how he stayed up late at night as a 12 year old trying to watch the scrambled adult channels. That just wouldn’t draw a good enough crowd.
That spirit of lust had convinced me that I wasn’t worth the effort and time it took for the men of the Bible to write the very words I was preaching about. I was a useless pervert who should just be happy things aren’t worst. We’re back to that demonic thought again.
That went on for years. Ups and downs. Highs and lows. Ins and outs. You know the cliches. Until I finally understood what was going on and how my brain was working. Combine that with a real revelation of Gods grace, brothers to walk through the healing with and good ole time, and I was able to walk in freedom.
This isn’t a story about sexual addiction or pornography. I’ll leave that to the experts. No, my story is more than that. My sexual addiction story doesn’t define me nor do I give it any kind of glory for the man I am now. That’s all Jesus. No, my story is bigger than that. I went through it so he could take me to it. The addiction created in me a false identity contrary to who God says I am and was. You’re going to see this thought pop up over and over. Make a mental note and brand it on your heart.