I began believing a terrible lie about 7 years ago.
I didn’t deserve to be loved.
I had been such a screw up that whatever came my way, I needed to just deal with it. I deserved the misery and really just needed to suck it up. People all over the world had endured more than me and had felt way worse pain than me. Let’s be honest, I’ve never lost a loved one tragically. I’ve never been without food or shelter. I’ve never been extremely sick other than some stomach bug Eli gave me when he was 18 months old. (I think that’s the one time I begged God to take me home. ) I’ve been “famous” within a company, spoke to tens of thousands of people and experienced wealth and abundance that most people will never know and I’m an American for God’s sake, I’ve got it made, right?
These mental battles raged in my mind daily. One day I’d wake up full of hope and expectation, the next I’d barely wake up at all and the only thing I was full of was whatever I ate the night before. Just being real here.
You see, battling depression and defeat is what others did, not me. I was too strong for that and it was just a sign of weakness and a lack of faith. I’d even chastise people and think to myself how blessed I was to be so tough, strong and spiritually far more advanced than the average believer. Oh boy. It’s very easy to succumb to the notion that what happens to everyone else will never happen to you. Because let’s face it: they aren’t you. They may be strong but you’re stronger. You’re made to handle more. You have a destiny that won’t allow this kind of catastrophe because you’re too important. All of those selfish, arrogant and painful thoughts have run through my head like a sports ticker for years. It was those thoughts that prevented me from acknowledging the pain and coming to grips with the reality that was my life.
Admitting all of this at once is tiresome a little embarrassing and a whole lot freeing. Not that I needed anyone to know this stuff. But I’ve spent the past 16 months writing out my thoughts all believing there would be a reason for it. Hopefully the reason is to help you.
I’ll stop here for now. This has been a lot to take in.